What is my responsibility to China? Does one decide to quit, or just slowly stop trying? What about this half dozen or more people who seem more invested than I in trying to find her? What about our seemingly fundamental differences regarding how much money should be spent in this effort (that I don't dare admit to this well meaning strangers)?
First stipulation: China is OK. I think she is with someone and I hope the someone knows that China requires a bed and she requires a walk every day and she doesn't like to get up in the morning and she's afraid of a lot of things. It makes me sad to think she might not be having those 'needs' met. However, I am sure she is adaptable and is not lying around thinking of how good it used to be. If someone has taken her in, I am sure he is treating her well enough.
Second stipulation: My life is way better than OK. Of course, there are some things that legitimately make me sad but, so what. How much time should a person spend being sad that her best dog is dead and her second best dog is missing and her parents are old and her brother terribly sick? I don't know what's appropriate. I cannot fix any of those things and I certainly know that crying does not make any difference. Is it all right to just not think about them? What is the healthy thing to do?
I cannot justify spending a lot of money on China. This seems to me like the same thing as making the decision to not spend a lot of money on dog health issues. It seems like the right decision but a hard and painful decision to make. If I could know that spending some small amount of money would bring her back, then I would; but, if it were a large amount, I'd be in a pickle. I don't know what amount of money would be justified in my mind. However, this is not a choice I get to make. My choice now is whether or not to spend money with no expectation at all that it will get her back. It's not like making the decision to not spend money on Batman, because that decision seemed based more on not choosing pain for him with little chance of a good result. This seems more just about money because I have to already believe that she is not in pain. She is either being taken care of or she is dead. At first, the effort was to save her from fear and confusion and danger of being lost and on the street alone, but I feel sure after 19 weeks that she cannot be in that situation any more.
Although I have decided to not spend money - no findtoto, no pet psychic for example -when and how do I decide to stop spending time and effort?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
After a month
I see that exactly one month has passed since my 'homework' post. In that time, I have been in Ithaca and Ed seems to have his blood pressure under control with drugs and his colonoscopy rescheduled. I can't think how I feel being here. I feel ridiculous whining about it, that's for sure, because, what an easy life. If I feel dissatisfied or pointless, surely that indicates a huge lack in me. I am very dependent on others, I guess. At Berkshire Road I had a home due to all the time spent there and the effort that was necessary to maintain it. I had a purpose because I had the dogs to take care of. Now I don't have a home or dogs and I seem insufficient to create myself in this empty space. Well, in my defense, I'm not going to create myself in Ithaca, but still. In Portland, I don't have to create myself; I can be a back up person again to other people's lives. Maybe that is what I do, and is why I can't figure out the point to retirement. I guess that's a perfectly valid kind of person to be. It seems like being a dependent but maybe it is something more worthwhile, as long as back up person is making a contribution every day.
The thing about being a back up person in other people's lives is I have to feel confident that is what they actually want. And I have to stop asking them to reassure me because that kind of neediness is annoying. I have to accept that this is what Sarah wants and just be comfortable in that position, even though it seems too good to be true. The thing about having a useful life primarily because it's busy with dog responsibilities is that it is easy, for all the reasons that people like dogs. I was a really good dog person but it was not a tough assignment. It's tougher for me, but not impossible, to be a really good back up person for actual people.
I also went to Maine. The saddest thing was helping take Rusty to the end of his life, and feeling that his end illuminates many other sad aspects of the passage of time. Obviously, my parents are not getting younger and not getting more healthy. I spent much more time with my brothers than usual. We sit with Mum at lunch and dinner and then put her in her chair for a nap, so that leaves some non Mum time to chat with others. I feel pretty bad about her non life for however many years her remarkably healthy body has left. If I were there, it would be a lot different for her, but, for her foggy drifty self, would that make any difference? It would make a difference for my father but, on the other hand, I don't think he would be doing much else instead. His days are filled by his self imposed need to spend those meal times with her but, truly, he wouldn't be doing much else because he is now physically incapable of making the effort. If I were there, it would let my brothers off the hook but, on the other hand, why should they be off the hook? They should have left town thirty, forty years ago if they wanted to be off the hook. I don't think they wish it to be otherwise anyway. So, there you go, I am free to be a back up person for the next generation instead of for the past generation, and that makes me the lucky one because the next generation is way more fun.
The thing about being a back up person in other people's lives is I have to feel confident that is what they actually want. And I have to stop asking them to reassure me because that kind of neediness is annoying. I have to accept that this is what Sarah wants and just be comfortable in that position, even though it seems too good to be true. The thing about having a useful life primarily because it's busy with dog responsibilities is that it is easy, for all the reasons that people like dogs. I was a really good dog person but it was not a tough assignment. It's tougher for me, but not impossible, to be a really good back up person for actual people.
I also went to Maine. The saddest thing was helping take Rusty to the end of his life, and feeling that his end illuminates many other sad aspects of the passage of time. Obviously, my parents are not getting younger and not getting more healthy. I spent much more time with my brothers than usual. We sit with Mum at lunch and dinner and then put her in her chair for a nap, so that leaves some non Mum time to chat with others. I feel pretty bad about her non life for however many years her remarkably healthy body has left. If I were there, it would be a lot different for her, but, for her foggy drifty self, would that make any difference? It would make a difference for my father but, on the other hand, I don't think he would be doing much else instead. His days are filled by his self imposed need to spend those meal times with her but, truly, he wouldn't be doing much else because he is now physically incapable of making the effort. If I were there, it would let my brothers off the hook but, on the other hand, why should they be off the hook? They should have left town thirty, forty years ago if they wanted to be off the hook. I don't think they wish it to be otherwise anyway. So, there you go, I am free to be a back up person for the next generation instead of for the past generation, and that makes me the lucky one because the next generation is way more fun.
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