therapist - second appointment

today the therapist wanted me talk about robby. she says his illness is a loss for me. i said it seems wrong to say it's a loss for me as it his loss. i certainly concede that it makes me sad that i can't do anything to help him. i told her that i don't understand the thing about working through grief since i cry and then nothing is different. my work to do before next week is to think about what i might like to say to robby. she asked me about our relationship as children but i had to tell her i was just a pain in the rear end and didn't take any trouble to know him then. she said i regret that, and it's true. she said that was my child's brain and my grownup brain is regretful. i said my grownup regret is that i was not the good parent i should have been. she said that just as i regret that perhaps in time i will look at these years and be sorry that i did not say or do something for robby. i said that is different as the girls were my dependents but robby is an adult with his own life. i said i will think about it and try to be able to do something positive but i can't say something to him in order to make my life easier that will make him feel bad or obligated.

9/22/08

The search and rescue guy's web site says give up after eight weeks. Have a little ceremony or some such thing in which you tell your pet how sad you are and about all the effort you made to find it. Here's what I think. Everybody who has lost a dog made some mistake that had that result. I certainly know exactly what I did wrong. All this effort in trying to find her doesn't count for anything. The outlay I am making now could have been avoided had I made the appropriate effort up front. Whatever pain, expense, and inconvenience I have was entirely brought upon me by my own irresponsibility. And that does not address what panic and fear China undoubtedly experienced in the beginning, even if I believe that she is OK now.

Don't come around whining about being sorry and how hard you're working and how bad you feel. Don't muck it up in the first place.

I keep thinking about her being OK, dead or alive, but then I realize that there were at least some days full of fear. I am so sorry, China.

9/20/08

There is always a bad end and nearly always a very bad end. Katie's death was my fault because I let her run free. Also I feel bad that I didn't stay with her when she was put to sleep and I should have insisted on it. Skitty was my fault because I didn't try hard enough to find him after we moved and he disappeared. LD wasn't so bad because it was time for him to go. Puppy's death was really bad because I waited for more than a day and I don't know what I was thinking. Poor Puppy had a bad couple of days because I guess I thought it could pass which was really irresponsible. My little Siamese guy's death was very bad because I had to decide not to treat the diabetes and just let him go and he was the best kitty ever. Batty's death was awful. I feel bad about Miss Biggie because I left her and Small when I came out to Portland but I think it wasn't so bad because she was really old and done with life. China is the worst. She's dead for me because she's gone and yet we have to keep looking. I'm supposed to deal with this grief and yet keep hoping. It seems impossible to do. Now only Small is left. I feel sad for her because her life changed a lot from the house to the condo and I am sure she is lonely. I can't have any more pets.

Monday 9/15

Music makes me cry which is an inconvenience as I used to really enjoy listening. Especially my familiar music makes me cry because it is so associated with being with the dogs, as in driving to Maine. Night before last Susan was playing some music that really did me in but I can't say, 'Oh, don't play music because I can't deal with it.' That was tough and the weepiness lasted into Sunday.

Tomorrow I am going to talk with a real therapist.

more 9/10

So maybe this is what that empty nest syndrome feels like, only I feel it about my dogs. Guess I shouldn't have made fun of Nancy Marino crying every day when her one child went to college.

I suppose the empty nest thing really refers to big changes so it really does apply. My dogs are gone and I have no nest and, although I have what I want, it is not quite settled yet so I don't feel entirely comfortable. Also, there is always unfinished business.

9/10/08

The search dog found no scent and that was so disappointing even though I had little or no hope. Did that nice young woman really see a dog who looked a lot like China?

I feel so bad about having brought her out here. Everyone says this was bound to happen but it wouldn't have happened in Ithaca and it wouldn't have happened had I not left town over the Fourth. Even if I take comfort in a belief that she's all right, that doesn't help me miss her less.

I can think about Batman now without much trouble but I sure can't think about China.

I thought I was deficient in not feeling the empty nest syndrome when the girls were gone but now I think I didn't feel it because I had those two dogs. That nearly 10 years was my only undistracted time and it was filled with those dogs. That will never happen again and it is probably just as well. But I think that the result is that I miss them so much .

Now that there are little kids again, and this time with no other demands on my time, dogs would have to take a back seat, as Puppy and LD did, so there will be no dogs. This is a good time, a very good time that I am lucky to have, but I am still sad for the time that's gone.

There were a lot of things that I was unhappy about in that time but I was never unhappy with those dogs and all the time that we spent together.