What is my responsibility to China? Does one decide to quit, or just slowly stop trying? What about this half dozen or more people who seem more invested than I in trying to find her? What about our seemingly fundamental differences regarding how much money should be spent in this effort (that I don't dare admit to this well meaning strangers)?
First stipulation: China is OK. I think she is with someone and I hope the someone knows that China requires a bed and she requires a walk every day and she doesn't like to get up in the morning and she's afraid of a lot of things. It makes me sad to think she might not be having those 'needs' met. However, I am sure she is adaptable and is not lying around thinking of how good it used to be. If someone has taken her in, I am sure he is treating her well enough.
Second stipulation: My life is way better than OK. Of course, there are some things that legitimately make me sad but, so what. How much time should a person spend being sad that her best dog is dead and her second best dog is missing and her parents are old and her brother terribly sick? I don't know what's appropriate. I cannot fix any of those things and I certainly know that crying does not make any difference. Is it all right to just not think about them? What is the healthy thing to do?
I cannot justify spending a lot of money on China. This seems to me like the same thing as making the decision to not spend a lot of money on dog health issues. It seems like the right decision but a hard and painful decision to make. If I could know that spending some small amount of money would bring her back, then I would; but, if it were a large amount, I'd be in a pickle. I don't know what amount of money would be justified in my mind. However, this is not a choice I get to make. My choice now is whether or not to spend money with no expectation at all that it will get her back. It's not like making the decision to not spend money on Batman, because that decision seemed based more on not choosing pain for him with little chance of a good result. This seems more just about money because I have to already believe that she is not in pain. She is either being taken care of or she is dead. At first, the effort was to save her from fear and confusion and danger of being lost and on the street alone, but I feel sure after 19 weeks that she cannot be in that situation any more.
Although I have decided to not spend money - no findtoto, no pet psychic for example -when and how do I decide to stop spending time and effort?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
After a month
I see that exactly one month has passed since my 'homework' post. In that time, I have been in Ithaca and Ed seems to have his blood pressure under control with drugs and his colonoscopy rescheduled. I can't think how I feel being here. I feel ridiculous whining about it, that's for sure, because, what an easy life. If I feel dissatisfied or pointless, surely that indicates a huge lack in me. I am very dependent on others, I guess. At Berkshire Road I had a home due to all the time spent there and the effort that was necessary to maintain it. I had a purpose because I had the dogs to take care of. Now I don't have a home or dogs and I seem insufficient to create myself in this empty space. Well, in my defense, I'm not going to create myself in Ithaca, but still. In Portland, I don't have to create myself; I can be a back up person again to other people's lives. Maybe that is what I do, and is why I can't figure out the point to retirement. I guess that's a perfectly valid kind of person to be. It seems like being a dependent but maybe it is something more worthwhile, as long as back up person is making a contribution every day.
The thing about being a back up person in other people's lives is I have to feel confident that is what they actually want. And I have to stop asking them to reassure me because that kind of neediness is annoying. I have to accept that this is what Sarah wants and just be comfortable in that position, even though it seems too good to be true. The thing about having a useful life primarily because it's busy with dog responsibilities is that it is easy, for all the reasons that people like dogs. I was a really good dog person but it was not a tough assignment. It's tougher for me, but not impossible, to be a really good back up person for actual people.
I also went to Maine. The saddest thing was helping take Rusty to the end of his life, and feeling that his end illuminates many other sad aspects of the passage of time. Obviously, my parents are not getting younger and not getting more healthy. I spent much more time with my brothers than usual. We sit with Mum at lunch and dinner and then put her in her chair for a nap, so that leaves some non Mum time to chat with others. I feel pretty bad about her non life for however many years her remarkably healthy body has left. If I were there, it would be a lot different for her, but, for her foggy drifty self, would that make any difference? It would make a difference for my father but, on the other hand, I don't think he would be doing much else instead. His days are filled by his self imposed need to spend those meal times with her but, truly, he wouldn't be doing much else because he is now physically incapable of making the effort. If I were there, it would let my brothers off the hook but, on the other hand, why should they be off the hook? They should have left town thirty, forty years ago if they wanted to be off the hook. I don't think they wish it to be otherwise anyway. So, there you go, I am free to be a back up person for the next generation instead of for the past generation, and that makes me the lucky one because the next generation is way more fun.
The thing about being a back up person in other people's lives is I have to feel confident that is what they actually want. And I have to stop asking them to reassure me because that kind of neediness is annoying. I have to accept that this is what Sarah wants and just be comfortable in that position, even though it seems too good to be true. The thing about having a useful life primarily because it's busy with dog responsibilities is that it is easy, for all the reasons that people like dogs. I was a really good dog person but it was not a tough assignment. It's tougher for me, but not impossible, to be a really good back up person for actual people.
I also went to Maine. The saddest thing was helping take Rusty to the end of his life, and feeling that his end illuminates many other sad aspects of the passage of time. Obviously, my parents are not getting younger and not getting more healthy. I spent much more time with my brothers than usual. We sit with Mum at lunch and dinner and then put her in her chair for a nap, so that leaves some non Mum time to chat with others. I feel pretty bad about her non life for however many years her remarkably healthy body has left. If I were there, it would be a lot different for her, but, for her foggy drifty self, would that make any difference? It would make a difference for my father but, on the other hand, I don't think he would be doing much else instead. His days are filled by his self imposed need to spend those meal times with her but, truly, he wouldn't be doing much else because he is now physically incapable of making the effort. If I were there, it would let my brothers off the hook but, on the other hand, why should they be off the hook? They should have left town thirty, forty years ago if they wanted to be off the hook. I don't think they wish it to be otherwise anyway. So, there you go, I am free to be a back up person for the next generation instead of for the past generation, and that makes me the lucky one because the next generation is way more fun.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
How to say good bye to Batman
Philosophically, I have no problem with animals, or people, coming to the ends of their lives. For a pet, I definitely consider the money involved. I think it is insane to spend large amounts of money on medical issues. I think that a pet should be a low maintenance item in terms of money and a high maintenance item in terms of attention. However, it is not just because of an outlay of money, although I have many examples of how the initial outlay can turn into much much more. In my life, the possibilities of medical intervention for pets have gone from minimal to just as complicated as for people. Beyond the issue of money is the issue of pain and procedures and quality of life which can be informed choices for people but not for pets. I choose that my pets should not be subjected to pain. Of course, we have had all the pets neutered which is a surgery but that is followed by the expectation and reality of an intervention free life until the end is reached.
For Batman, I still believed all of that to be correct. To have tried to save him would have cost a ton of money. How can people spend a ton of money on one animal when there are millions of others that need to be taken care of? A pet is always a short term proposition compared to the expected life span of a human being, so money spent is going to be for a relatively short term solution, even if the solution is successful. In this case, a good outcome could not be assured but it was known that there would be a long period of pain and recuperation. I could not possibly choose that for Batty.
But to make that choice was a cause of pain for me and that is stupid because I had to make that choice five times before for my dogs and cats. When we got Batty, I knew I would have to make that choice one day.
A relatively minor issue is my feeling that I need to justify my decision to others. I feel as if it's a given these days that people will form this close association with the vet, as they do with the pediatrician when there is a child. Therefore, I feel as if I am on the fringe to have a strong opinion about doing otherwise. Since I truly feel that I am correct and I am realistic and that this companion pet veterinarian business is crazy over the top, I don't know why I feel defensive. It isn't as if my friends are judging me even if they make different decisions.
Last summer we were selling the house where we had lived for 24 years and going through the stress and aggravations associated with that. There was some stress about moving the dogs and cats to the condominium. Batman had shown that he was afraid of the condominium for some reason that we couldn't imagine. I intended to eventually take both dogs to Portland and I was worried about the trip as Batty was anxious in the car.
But both dogs appeared to be healthy and there was no way to anticipate what would soon happen to both of them.
Why I can't say good bye:
1) It was so sudden. On our walk one Saturday morning at the end of July he was apparently absolutely his strong vital happy self and a week later, he was dead.
2) He asked me to help him. He expected me to help him. The only help I could give him was to free him from pain, to end his life. It is hard for me to know that was the answer even though I know it is a perfectly good answer.
3) I saw him go. I saw his eyes alive and then dead. I think if you haven't seen it, it's hard to imagine the shock, the finality, and the lonliness.
4) I am so lonely. We spent so much time together, the three of us. I didn't take them around in the car with me. We walked and we ran for miles and miles every day. There's no place around here that we haven't been.
5) My daily life is much changed. In the ten years that they were mine we lived in the same house and the girls were both gone from the house. Now the house is sold and I am, though by conscious choice, displaced from that life and that routine, and now from those canine companions that I had expected would make the transition with me.
I guess there is a ritual beyond crying until I feel sick. Three dogs and two cats and even two stranger cats that were killed on the road are all buried in that back yard. They are inside the fence but in a woods portion where I hope that the new owners won't be moved to dig. Batman is in a little bit different spot and there is a large flat rock on his grave. The others are covered with a hodge podge rock pile. I wonder if I should tell those new people what's there or if it would freak them out. Each one is wrapped up in something soft because it is heart breaking enough to put dirt on them. I dug the graves and I covered them up. Batty is wrapped in my good old tiger blanket that my mother gave me forty years ago.
I'm just so lonely. I don't want to say good bye. And now I miss China and can't lay her to rest. I have this life filled up with seeing Eloise and Esme grow. It is also filled with Sarah's and Susan's animals. There's Henry the greyhound that I walk every day. There is Silente the cat who wakes me up multiple times in the night wanting to be petted. There are many cats at Sarah's house. But first thing in the morning and last thing at night I miss my dogs.
I know that time will ease that loneliness and eventually erase it altogether. I am a little bit sad that the pain goes away but that is the right thing. I know that even the pain of China's being missing will be gone one day. I think that time is the only cure, time and moving on with life.
For Batman, I still believed all of that to be correct. To have tried to save him would have cost a ton of money. How can people spend a ton of money on one animal when there are millions of others that need to be taken care of? A pet is always a short term proposition compared to the expected life span of a human being, so money spent is going to be for a relatively short term solution, even if the solution is successful. In this case, a good outcome could not be assured but it was known that there would be a long period of pain and recuperation. I could not possibly choose that for Batty.
But to make that choice was a cause of pain for me and that is stupid because I had to make that choice five times before for my dogs and cats. When we got Batty, I knew I would have to make that choice one day.
A relatively minor issue is my feeling that I need to justify my decision to others. I feel as if it's a given these days that people will form this close association with the vet, as they do with the pediatrician when there is a child. Therefore, I feel as if I am on the fringe to have a strong opinion about doing otherwise. Since I truly feel that I am correct and I am realistic and that this companion pet veterinarian business is crazy over the top, I don't know why I feel defensive. It isn't as if my friends are judging me even if they make different decisions.
Last summer we were selling the house where we had lived for 24 years and going through the stress and aggravations associated with that. There was some stress about moving the dogs and cats to the condominium. Batman had shown that he was afraid of the condominium for some reason that we couldn't imagine. I intended to eventually take both dogs to Portland and I was worried about the trip as Batty was anxious in the car.
But both dogs appeared to be healthy and there was no way to anticipate what would soon happen to both of them.
Why I can't say good bye:
1) It was so sudden. On our walk one Saturday morning at the end of July he was apparently absolutely his strong vital happy self and a week later, he was dead.
2) He asked me to help him. He expected me to help him. The only help I could give him was to free him from pain, to end his life. It is hard for me to know that was the answer even though I know it is a perfectly good answer.
3) I saw him go. I saw his eyes alive and then dead. I think if you haven't seen it, it's hard to imagine the shock, the finality, and the lonliness.
4) I am so lonely. We spent so much time together, the three of us. I didn't take them around in the car with me. We walked and we ran for miles and miles every day. There's no place around here that we haven't been.
5) My daily life is much changed. In the ten years that they were mine we lived in the same house and the girls were both gone from the house. Now the house is sold and I am, though by conscious choice, displaced from that life and that routine, and now from those canine companions that I had expected would make the transition with me.
I guess there is a ritual beyond crying until I feel sick. Three dogs and two cats and even two stranger cats that were killed on the road are all buried in that back yard. They are inside the fence but in a woods portion where I hope that the new owners won't be moved to dig. Batman is in a little bit different spot and there is a large flat rock on his grave. The others are covered with a hodge podge rock pile. I wonder if I should tell those new people what's there or if it would freak them out. Each one is wrapped up in something soft because it is heart breaking enough to put dirt on them. I dug the graves and I covered them up. Batty is wrapped in my good old tiger blanket that my mother gave me forty years ago.
I'm just so lonely. I don't want to say good bye. And now I miss China and can't lay her to rest. I have this life filled up with seeing Eloise and Esme grow. It is also filled with Sarah's and Susan's animals. There's Henry the greyhound that I walk every day. There is Silente the cat who wakes me up multiple times in the night wanting to be petted. There are many cats at Sarah's house. But first thing in the morning and last thing at night I miss my dogs.
I know that time will ease that loneliness and eventually erase it altogether. I am a little bit sad that the pain goes away but that is the right thing. I know that even the pain of China's being missing will be gone one day. I think that time is the only cure, time and moving on with life.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
therapist - second appointment
today the therapist wanted me talk about robby. she says his illness is a loss for me. i said it seems wrong to say it's a loss for me as it his loss. i certainly concede that it makes me sad that i can't do anything to help him. i told her that i don't understand the thing about working through grief since i cry and then nothing is different. my work to do before next week is to think about what i might like to say to robby. she asked me about our relationship as children but i had to tell her i was just a pain in the rear end and didn't take any trouble to know him then. she said i regret that, and it's true. she said that was my child's brain and my grownup brain is regretful. i said my grownup regret is that i was not the good parent i should have been. she said that just as i regret that perhaps in time i will look at these years and be sorry that i did not say or do something for robby. i said that is different as the girls were my dependents but robby is an adult with his own life. i said i will think about it and try to be able to do something positive but i can't say something to him in order to make my life easier that will make him feel bad or obligated.
Monday, September 22, 2008
9/22/08
The search and rescue guy's web site says give up after eight weeks. Have a little ceremony or some such thing in which you tell your pet how sad you are and about all the effort you made to find it. Here's what I think. Everybody who has lost a dog made some mistake that had that result. I certainly know exactly what I did wrong. All this effort in trying to find her doesn't count for anything. The outlay I am making now could have been avoided had I made the appropriate effort up front. Whatever pain, expense, and inconvenience I have was entirely brought upon me by my own irresponsibility. And that does not address what panic and fear China undoubtedly experienced in the beginning, even if I believe that she is OK now.
Don't come around whining about being sorry and how hard you're working and how bad you feel. Don't muck it up in the first place.
I keep thinking about her being OK, dead or alive, but then I realize that there were at least some days full of fear. I am so sorry, China.
Don't come around whining about being sorry and how hard you're working and how bad you feel. Don't muck it up in the first place.
I keep thinking about her being OK, dead or alive, but then I realize that there were at least some days full of fear. I am so sorry, China.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
9/20/08
There is always a bad end and nearly always a very bad end. Katie's death was my fault because I let her run free. Also I feel bad that I didn't stay with her when she was put to sleep and I should have insisted on it. Skitty was my fault because I didn't try hard enough to find him after we moved and he disappeared. LD wasn't so bad because it was time for him to go. Puppy's death was really bad because I waited for more than a day and I don't know what I was thinking. Poor Puppy had a bad couple of days because I guess I thought it could pass which was really irresponsible. My little Siamese guy's death was very bad because I had to decide not to treat the diabetes and just let him go and he was the best kitty ever. Batty's death was awful. I feel bad about Miss Biggie because I left her and Small when I came out to Portland but I think it wasn't so bad because she was really old and done with life. China is the worst. She's dead for me because she's gone and yet we have to keep looking. I'm supposed to deal with this grief and yet keep hoping. It seems impossible to do. Now only Small is left. I feel sad for her because her life changed a lot from the house to the condo and I am sure she is lonely. I can't have any more pets.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Monday 9/15
Music makes me cry which is an inconvenience as I used to really enjoy listening. Especially my familiar music makes me cry because it is so associated with being with the dogs, as in driving to Maine. Night before last Susan was playing some music that really did me in but I can't say, 'Oh, don't play music because I can't deal with it.' That was tough and the weepiness lasted into Sunday.
Tomorrow I am going to talk with a real therapist.
Tomorrow I am going to talk with a real therapist.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
more 9/10
So maybe this is what that empty nest syndrome feels like, only I feel it about my dogs. Guess I shouldn't have made fun of Nancy Marino crying every day when her one child went to college.
I suppose the empty nest thing really refers to big changes so it really does apply. My dogs are gone and I have no nest and, although I have what I want, it is not quite settled yet so I don't feel entirely comfortable. Also, there is always unfinished business.
I suppose the empty nest thing really refers to big changes so it really does apply. My dogs are gone and I have no nest and, although I have what I want, it is not quite settled yet so I don't feel entirely comfortable. Also, there is always unfinished business.
9/10/08
The search dog found no scent and that was so disappointing even though I had little or no hope. Did that nice young woman really see a dog who looked a lot like China?
I feel so bad about having brought her out here. Everyone says this was bound to happen but it wouldn't have happened in Ithaca and it wouldn't have happened had I not left town over the Fourth. Even if I take comfort in a belief that she's all right, that doesn't help me miss her less.
I can think about Batman now without much trouble but I sure can't think about China.
I thought I was deficient in not feeling the empty nest syndrome when the girls were gone but now I think I didn't feel it because I had those two dogs. That nearly 10 years was my only undistracted time and it was filled with those dogs. That will never happen again and it is probably just as well. But I think that the result is that I miss them so much .
Now that there are little kids again, and this time with no other demands on my time, dogs would have to take a back seat, as Puppy and LD did, so there will be no dogs. This is a good time, a very good time that I am lucky to have, but I am still sad for the time that's gone.
There were a lot of things that I was unhappy about in that time but I was never unhappy with those dogs and all the time that we spent together.
I feel so bad about having brought her out here. Everyone says this was bound to happen but it wouldn't have happened in Ithaca and it wouldn't have happened had I not left town over the Fourth. Even if I take comfort in a belief that she's all right, that doesn't help me miss her less.
I can think about Batman now without much trouble but I sure can't think about China.
I thought I was deficient in not feeling the empty nest syndrome when the girls were gone but now I think I didn't feel it because I had those two dogs. That nearly 10 years was my only undistracted time and it was filled with those dogs. That will never happen again and it is probably just as well. But I think that the result is that I miss them so much .
Now that there are little kids again, and this time with no other demands on my time, dogs would have to take a back seat, as Puppy and LD did, so there will be no dogs. This is a good time, a very good time that I am lucky to have, but I am still sad for the time that's gone.
There were a lot of things that I was unhappy about in that time but I was never unhappy with those dogs and all the time that we spent together.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
8/30/08 - dogs
I had so much pleasure with those two dogs for ten years. It's not just that I had to think about them all the time, but I spent so much time with them walking nearly every day, often more than once, and often for really long walks. Now I am sad because that is done, never to be repeated. The only place it exists is in my memory and my memory is not good. But, come on, this is always the way. The end is always bad. Whatever memories I can access should be only good. I think they should be a comfort and not just make me cry, the way they do right now. Maybe when China comes back or it becomes absolute that she is not coming back, I will be able finally to have the memories be good.
Dogs exist only at our whim, advertently or inadvertently. Even when a dog is wanted and loved and taken care of, it spends a lot of time just waiting around. Of course, it is the nature of an adult dog to be resting a lot of the time, so that works out for people. It just strikes me now as being so self centered to have a creature on hold, probably at least 95% of the time, so that whenever we want it, it is ready to do whatever we feel like doing. You might say it works out fine for the dogs that have homes, but, if we didn't create dogs, there wouldn't be dogs needing good situations and a huge backlog of dogs that do not have good situations. It is all our doing for our own entertainment, to have created an animal that does not produce anything and is entirely dependent. Now I think that the argument that pets are good for people is a pretty sad argument. The fact that it is put that way proves that these creatures are created just because we have a deficiency. We should be able to meet our emotional needs within our own species. Keeping animals that do a job and meet a physical human need in return for being taken care of is the only thing that makes sense to me. Wanting something furry and warm that never gets mad and is always happy to see you is an understandable desire, but to fulfill a human desire at the expense of another species seems wrong to me.
Not only do we expect dogs to be on hold until we feel like petting them or walking them, we also expect and demand that they do not indulge in the behaviors that are normal for a dog. A dog is a bad dog if he jumps up, urinates all over, eats cat poop, rolls in stinky stuff, wants to sniff every dog and post he sees, humps things that aren't female dogs, steals food - really just every essential bit of dogginess is Bad. A good dog lies around until a person feels like paying attention to it, exhibits a modicum of polite excitement when presented with a treat or the prospect of a walk, doesn't sniff and pee, doesn't pull against the leash - in fact, behaves like a warm, animated stuffed toy.
I would like to see China again. I would like China to hug me, the way she does. My desire to see her is really only for myself. Poor me.
Dogs exist only at our whim, advertently or inadvertently. Even when a dog is wanted and loved and taken care of, it spends a lot of time just waiting around. Of course, it is the nature of an adult dog to be resting a lot of the time, so that works out for people. It just strikes me now as being so self centered to have a creature on hold, probably at least 95% of the time, so that whenever we want it, it is ready to do whatever we feel like doing. You might say it works out fine for the dogs that have homes, but, if we didn't create dogs, there wouldn't be dogs needing good situations and a huge backlog of dogs that do not have good situations. It is all our doing for our own entertainment, to have created an animal that does not produce anything and is entirely dependent. Now I think that the argument that pets are good for people is a pretty sad argument. The fact that it is put that way proves that these creatures are created just because we have a deficiency. We should be able to meet our emotional needs within our own species. Keeping animals that do a job and meet a physical human need in return for being taken care of is the only thing that makes sense to me. Wanting something furry and warm that never gets mad and is always happy to see you is an understandable desire, but to fulfill a human desire at the expense of another species seems wrong to me.
Not only do we expect dogs to be on hold until we feel like petting them or walking them, we also expect and demand that they do not indulge in the behaviors that are normal for a dog. A dog is a bad dog if he jumps up, urinates all over, eats cat poop, rolls in stinky stuff, wants to sniff every dog and post he sees, humps things that aren't female dogs, steals food - really just every essential bit of dogginess is Bad. A good dog lies around until a person feels like paying attention to it, exhibits a modicum of polite excitement when presented with a treat or the prospect of a walk, doesn't sniff and pee, doesn't pull against the leash - in fact, behaves like a warm, animated stuffed toy.
I would like to see China again. I would like China to hug me, the way she does. My desire to see her is really only for myself. Poor me.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
8/27
Can you get on with your life and still feed sad off and on all day? Worse in the morning and at night when life isn't busy distracting you. When it's quiet and you are in the habit of thinking about taking China to the park. When it's quiet and you are in the habit of thinking about putting China out to pee and then to bed with a cookie. Can you not feel so sad and want to cry every time?
8/27 bad & good
miss china eloise & esme
miss her & bat
worried
guilt
time of life
living situation; ie, no home
imposing on susan & andrea
letting ed down
miss her & bat
worried
guilt
time of life
living situation; ie, no home
imposing on susan & andrea
letting ed down
Sunday, August 24, 2008
8/24/08 - 7 weeks
I feel pretty bad today. Susan and I tacked up 50 fliers in plastic. The paper ones are holding up very well but now there is rain again. There are more than 100 paper ones so, obviously, we didn't do them all but even the 50 took hours with one driving and the other stapling them up. We didn't take down the paper ones. It's just so depressing and seems so futile when no one calls. Lots of people see the fliers but no one sees China.
I feel bad because I miss her. I miss her in the morning and at night, and in between too when I am not distracted. How can I not miss her and Batty when for 10 years they figured into every calculation of the day?
I feel bad because it occurs to me, maybe she's not all right. I am supposed to believe that, dead or alive, she's all right. But what if she isn't?
I still don't see how therapy would do any good. What can anybody tell me to make this feel better? I have to do what I can to find her, which is very little and which we are doing. I have to go about my day and take pleasure in it, which I do. I can't stop myself from crying but everything makes me cry in these years anyway. That is not something new and I think it must have to do with hormones. I cry about ads on tv sometimes, so that doesn't reveal anything about my current problem. I can't listen to music without crying, even music I have never heard before. I can't listen to any of the music on my iPod at all and that is annoying.
I feel bad because I miss her. I miss her in the morning and at night, and in between too when I am not distracted. How can I not miss her and Batty when for 10 years they figured into every calculation of the day?
I feel bad because it occurs to me, maybe she's not all right. I am supposed to believe that, dead or alive, she's all right. But what if she isn't?
I still don't see how therapy would do any good. What can anybody tell me to make this feel better? I have to do what I can to find her, which is very little and which we are doing. I have to go about my day and take pleasure in it, which I do. I can't stop myself from crying but everything makes me cry in these years anyway. That is not something new and I think it must have to do with hormones. I cry about ads on tv sometimes, so that doesn't reveal anything about my current problem. I can't listen to music without crying, even music I have never heard before. I can't listen to any of the music on my iPod at all and that is annoying.
Friday, August 22, 2008
8/22/08
This evening we put 100 fliers in plastic sleeves. The old fliers are holding up surprisingly well but it has rained after no rain for several months, no rain for this whole seven weeks anyway. So this weekend we're going to post the new fliers but not take the old ones down. It is so strange, just some project, disassociated from the reality of missing China. Also, it seems so futile since all the posters have prompted no leads whatsoever.
I can't get over the fact that I don't know if she's dead or alive. How can I not know? People in novels know that kind of thing. Is it just a fiction? I can't deal with the fact that she was in a panic on the night of 7/3 and certainly in the days following and I had no inkling. Even though I was so concerned about leaving her, and even though for a day or so sarah wouldn't answer the phone, I still felt nothing. How can I, or ordinary human beings, be so clueless about a creature with whom I have been linked so closely for ten years?
If she is alive, how can she not feel me? How can she not find her way back to Susan's house?
The reality of the situation is also surreal. You have to go on with the rest of life, and so the loss becomes normal. It seems wrong not to focus on it, but there's just very little to be done.
I can't get over the fact that I don't know if she's dead or alive. How can I not know? People in novels know that kind of thing. Is it just a fiction? I can't deal with the fact that she was in a panic on the night of 7/3 and certainly in the days following and I had no inkling. Even though I was so concerned about leaving her, and even though for a day or so sarah wouldn't answer the phone, I still felt nothing. How can I, or ordinary human beings, be so clueless about a creature with whom I have been linked so closely for ten years?
If she is alive, how can she not feel me? How can she not find her way back to Susan's house?
The reality of the situation is also surreal. You have to go on with the rest of life, and so the loss becomes normal. It seems wrong not to focus on it, but there's just very little to be done.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
8/16/08
What was I going to say? It has been 6 weeks now. It has been 5 1/2 weeks since Pavlina supposedly saw her. She must have been taken in by someone who hasn't seen the flyers and ads, or doesn't care. Or she's dead. I guess she could still be wandering but it seems impossible. That is a long time to be finding her own food and water. I guess I wasn't going to say anything new. I miss her.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
8/13/08
I guess there are three things about this situation.
One is the circumstance of China's disappearance and the not knowing. I can't do anything about those things so I should be able to let go of guilt and anguish and worry, and acknowledge that it is what it is for her and it is what it is for me.
Another is that she is missing and we still have to work to find her. That is something I can do but there is still so much frustration and sadness in only being able to do so much, and not having any success at all over nearly six weeks.
The third is that I miss her. I haven't been without a dog and/or cat for the largest portion of my life. It feels normal to have a furry dependent. Life is easier and definitely cleaner without but so strange. That was part of why I felt like a guest in Ithaca last winter. Big and Little were there but not allowed in the house, and Batty and China were not there. It is strange having no dog or cat that is my buddy, and, also, I specifically miss China.
To have her just gone, not dead, is unprecedented for me. The deaths are hard and the end time spent hugging the critters doesn't seem like much comfort, but just gone without any goodbye is so strange.
It is seeming more normal that she is gone. It is hard in the morning and at bedtime. It is hard to have keep looking for her fruitlessly. But it is more normal now.
It's hard to go to the shelter in Vancouver and see all the stray dogs and the dogs available for adoption. It seems as if the shelters here do a good job at finding homes for all the animals who don't have extreme problems so I imagine that there are many happy endings. But, in the mean time, it's hard to look at each one and just walk on while seeing that each one wants to go home with someone.
One is the circumstance of China's disappearance and the not knowing. I can't do anything about those things so I should be able to let go of guilt and anguish and worry, and acknowledge that it is what it is for her and it is what it is for me.
Another is that she is missing and we still have to work to find her. That is something I can do but there is still so much frustration and sadness in only being able to do so much, and not having any success at all over nearly six weeks.
The third is that I miss her. I haven't been without a dog and/or cat for the largest portion of my life. It feels normal to have a furry dependent. Life is easier and definitely cleaner without but so strange. That was part of why I felt like a guest in Ithaca last winter. Big and Little were there but not allowed in the house, and Batty and China were not there. It is strange having no dog or cat that is my buddy, and, also, I specifically miss China.
To have her just gone, not dead, is unprecedented for me. The deaths are hard and the end time spent hugging the critters doesn't seem like much comfort, but just gone without any goodbye is so strange.
It is seeming more normal that she is gone. It is hard in the morning and at bedtime. It is hard to have keep looking for her fruitlessly. But it is more normal now.
It's hard to go to the shelter in Vancouver and see all the stray dogs and the dogs available for adoption. It seems as if the shelters here do a good job at finding homes for all the animals who don't have extreme problems so I imagine that there are many happy endings. But, in the mean time, it's hard to look at each one and just walk on while seeing that each one wants to go home with someone.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
8/10/08
When I think about the past, I always feel really sad that it is gone. I need to be able to remember with pleasure, for example, the dogs running around loose at Crow Point. So far, I can't do that.
When I think about China being in the car on the trip out here, I kind of feel sick to my stomach comparing that to now when she is missing. Why is the past spoiled by the present?
The woman who lives across the street said, regarding her partner's terminal illness, 'it is what it is'. She did qualify that a little bit by saying that's how she feels on good days, but, still.
I guess people can do that because they have to be able to do that. How can I do that?
When I think about China being in the car on the trip out here, I kind of feel sick to my stomach comparing that to now when she is missing. Why is the past spoiled by the present?
The woman who lives across the street said, regarding her partner's terminal illness, 'it is what it is'. She did qualify that a little bit by saying that's how she feels on good days, but, still.
I guess people can do that because they have to be able to do that. How can I do that?
Thursday, August 7, 2008
8/7/08
Susan doesn't imagine the worst. She misses China a lot and she is working on finding her but it is like that. She truly believes it is what it is. I thought maybe she was thinking these things and just not telling me so as not to upset me but, no.
I have to work a lot harder on this.
I have to work a lot harder on this.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
The thing about my mother
The thing about my mother is that if I had stayed nearby I probably could have helped her be happier. I understand that was never my job but I think it would have been the outcome of proximity. I don't feel guilty about it, but I do feel sad. Well, who knows how it would have turned out. But now both of my daughters actively help me have a better outlook so I won't follow in my mother's footsteps. I am the lucky one.
The thing about Batty
The thing about Batty is he asked me to help him and I couldn't. And I wouldn't put him through surgery. I believe that was the right choice but it hurt to make the choice. Only I made the choice to have him put to sleep. The other thing is I saw him die. With all the others, I wasn't looking in their eyes but, with him, I saw it. He was alive and he was dead and I don't know how you can be just switched off like that. It was so awful and I thought it was the worst thing ever to happen to me, but if I never see China again, that will be the worst.
I do understand dead and alive. I consign insects to death all the time and the only thing I can say for myself is that I feel bad about it. It's the same thing, they are switched off. I understand that everyone dies and that is how it's supposed to be. So, even though I have been inappropriately upset about Batman and even though I am crying right now, it's ok that he died, and I will get over it.
I just don't know how I am going to get over China.
I do understand dead and alive. I consign insects to death all the time and the only thing I can say for myself is that I feel bad about it. It's the same thing, they are switched off. I understand that everyone dies and that is how it's supposed to be. So, even though I have been inappropriately upset about Batman and even though I am crying right now, it's ok that he died, and I will get over it.
I just don't know how I am going to get over China.
Responsibility
I don't know how to not feel guilty about this. When you take on any living creature, you take on the responsibility to do the best you can to keep it safe. When you know that your dog is crazy for you, frightened of many things, and capable of an amazing amount of destruction, and yet you still leave her on the 4th of July, you are not doing the best you can do. It doesn't matter that she was left with family members who agreed to not leave her alone, and didn't leave her alone. I did that much because I was really concerned that there would be a problem. But I did not make sure that the yard was secure, even though I know that she broke out of two different dog crates in the last year or so. And I did not even consider her when I decided to leave, and when I finally remembered that the 4th of July means many fireworks, I did not change my plans. I did not do the best I could do for her.
Everybody says that it isn't my fault but it is completely my fault.
So, what is the deal on guilt, I wonder. I see that there is no point in just wallowing in it, but the facts are the facts. I suppose guilt can serve to keep one from doing the same dumb things over and over, but that's not a helpful thought in this case. I doubt that this particular situation will recur.
I can forgive myself for an irresponsible act that only hurts me, but how can I forgive myself for hurting China? If it all comes out all right, then I can, essentially, make it up to her. But, if it doesn't come out all right, then,\ I don't know. It will be wound that never heals. It will be one of many things I will have to answer for if there is ever a reckoning. Like the two squirrels that I have run over.
I wonder if I can offset the bad things by doing good things. I don't think that should work, though, because I should be doing the good things anyway.
'Taking responsibility' is one thing that is talked about by politicians, but they never talk about what comes next. When you have realized that you have messed up, what do you do next? If you can't apologize to your victim, what next? I think you are just stuck with guilt.
I suppose the squirrels wouldn't forgive me, but China would because dogs never get mad. But if I don't get to see her again, what am I going to do with the guilt.
Everybody says that it isn't my fault but it is completely my fault.
So, what is the deal on guilt, I wonder. I see that there is no point in just wallowing in it, but the facts are the facts. I suppose guilt can serve to keep one from doing the same dumb things over and over, but that's not a helpful thought in this case. I doubt that this particular situation will recur.
I can forgive myself for an irresponsible act that only hurts me, but how can I forgive myself for hurting China? If it all comes out all right, then I can, essentially, make it up to her. But, if it doesn't come out all right, then,\ I don't know. It will be wound that never heals. It will be one of many things I will have to answer for if there is ever a reckoning. Like the two squirrels that I have run over.
I wonder if I can offset the bad things by doing good things. I don't think that should work, though, because I should be doing the good things anyway.
'Taking responsibility' is one thing that is talked about by politicians, but they never talk about what comes next. When you have realized that you have messed up, what do you do next? If you can't apologize to your victim, what next? I think you are just stuck with guilt.
I suppose the squirrels wouldn't forgive me, but China would because dogs never get mad. But if I don't get to see her again, what am I going to do with the guilt.
Monday, August 4, 2008
8/4/08
China escaped from the yard a month ago. I do not know how to feel about that. It is very hard to believe that it is true, that she exists somewhere. I was without her in December and January so it doesn't seem so strange that she is not with me, but that she is someplace unknown is just incomprehensible. When I think about that, I cry. When I think about her initial panic and whatever her situation might be now, I cry. When I think about the reason that I left, to go to some spoiled child's "wedding", that makes me very angry with myself. Imagine leaving her over the 4th of July, even when I was so worried that something would go wrong. It is pointless to blame myself and it is pointless to cry. It is also difficult to think of useful things to do. We check the shelters and put up flyers and pass out flyers and advertise on the internet and in the newspaper, and yet nobody sees her. How can she be invisible? I actually believe that she can be invisible if the right people don't happen to see her but every day is one more in which she might be hit by a car. So, we have to keep looking. But driving around and riding around seem pointless. Every time I go out, I expect to see her. And all the time I am sure I will never see her again. How can she just disappear? How can she not find her way back home? This area bounded by big roads is so small and so large. The frustration just kills me.
However, I am supposed to function as usual and feel as usual, except for the addition of actively looking for China. Everything is great, truly. It's summer and the little girls are great and I get to be with them every day. What could be better? Only I feel guilty for not looking for China every minute. I feel guilty not crying all the time.
She's a dog, though. And Batty was a dog. How weird is it to be so crazy about dogs? I think it's completely crazy. You give a dog a good home and a good life and, at some point, it ends and it is very sad and that's that. How can you be still crying a year later over the dog? Batty died one year ago and I only think about his last week and I just feel awful about it. Why can't I think of the ten years before that? I'm getting better with time, as if that wound is healing, but I just don't think about him at all, rather than thinking about what a great dog he was. I don't want to go back to Ithaca where we walked all over for ten years. That's not healthy. I should be able to go there and remember how good it was.
Regarding China, I need to know if she's dead or alive. Missing is too hard.
I wanted to leave the house in Ithaca but, just now, knowing that the daylilies are blossoming, I feel bad thinking about my garden. I don't miss the house. Only I miss being there because the dogs were alive then and that seems so good, even though there were other things I was unhappy about. It seems as if it's a good idea to realize what's good when you have it because you won't have it forever. The other things dragged me down. Mostly last summer it was about how hard it seemed to sell the house. It didn't take that long after all, only May to September, but it seemed like forever when it wasn't going well and I didn't know how it was going to end. It was a tough summer and then Batty died and it just seemed like too much. That is so foolish though. It is what it is, and you just have to go from there, and enjoy everything else. If it seems as if it's too much, then you have to get an attitude adjustment somehow.
I don't think I'm going to have a problem once China is found. I got what I wanted after all, to come out here. There are some wrinkles but there are always wrinkles, and I don't think they are big ones.
I don't think I'm going to have a problem with my parents dying. They are, after all, very far away. Well, there will be crying, of course, but that is normal and appropriate. I wanted so badly to go home ever since I left, but I never took the initiative to make it happen. I just let things happen and complained about them. And why didn't I take two minutes to even consider not going to college and not moving away? And why was I never mature enough to consider decisions involving men? Pretty danged embarrassing. And stupid. What a waste of a brain, just not using it.
Finally, I have realized there is no home to go to. I have four really nice brothers. We can talk any time and it is so pleasant and easy but we rarely do talk. Surprise, they have their own lives! I'm the one who left. I left there with no thought whatsoever and just walked away from that family. Maybe if they were sisters, we'd keep up better but they don't really seem to want to, so that's fine. Maybe that's just a girl thing. My ma has been drifting away for a long time. I didn't think about her at all when I left home. I am sad about that. Now she has left me. In these years I have had the chance to know my father better and I really like him but he's going on 91 so, you know.
Robby is a special problem but I think I have already gone through it over the ten plus years of his sickness and I won't have to do all that again when he dies. It seems so selfish to even think about his illness as a problem for me. I feel so bad that I am healthy and he is not but, see, I am always doing this, holding on to guilt. It is ridiculous to feel bad about being healthy. I also have so much anger about his being sick and it is primarily directed at his wife. Oh, yes, because anger is constructive. The only thing I could do for him is to be nice to his wife but I won't do it/can't do it because I do truly feel that she does him harm. I can believe that she isn't trying to and that she does the best she can in a very bad situation but I cannot be friendly with her and hear about her career and yadda yadda yadda and realize that she could live her life differently and make his easier. I suppose she cannot do that but I can't pretend that it is all OK with me and I certainly can't say it isn't. I have already gone down that road and it wasn't pretty. Oooh, I don't like her. But finally finally I realize that I cannot help so my best thing is to not interfere. I know that the guilt feeling is a waste of emotion but I tell you what, he is the better twin by far.
I guess I'm not crazy about myself. Perhaps I had better work on liking me better. I haven't distinguished myself so far but I do want to do this grandma thing up right. I need to be a cheerful happy grandma. There's no reason not to be. I do not pay the bills and, lord knows, I don't go hungry, so what's not to be happy about. I want to say, I will be happy when China is found, but I realize that's at least part of my problem. I have to be happy right now, regardless. With China, it is what it is and we can only do what we can do.
I thought I was liking myself better in recent years and that is probably true as I was really adrift for a long time. I feel bad about leaving Ed and leaving Ithaca but he did make it easier by not liking me much. Now he seems much easier to be with since he found out about the Crohn's and the B12 deficiency. It is quite amazing, and quite awful to realize how long he went undiagnosed and with the issues unaddressed. Probably we will do fine now and things will work out.
That's about it. A blog for this seems excessive but perhaps there will be more to write about. I can quit imposing on friends and family and just put it here in cyberspace, whatever that is. I can ask myself the penetrating questions of Dr. Melfi and look at myself with a blank face, insisting on honest answers. Yikes.
However, I am supposed to function as usual and feel as usual, except for the addition of actively looking for China. Everything is great, truly. It's summer and the little girls are great and I get to be with them every day. What could be better? Only I feel guilty for not looking for China every minute. I feel guilty not crying all the time.
She's a dog, though. And Batty was a dog. How weird is it to be so crazy about dogs? I think it's completely crazy. You give a dog a good home and a good life and, at some point, it ends and it is very sad and that's that. How can you be still crying a year later over the dog? Batty died one year ago and I only think about his last week and I just feel awful about it. Why can't I think of the ten years before that? I'm getting better with time, as if that wound is healing, but I just don't think about him at all, rather than thinking about what a great dog he was. I don't want to go back to Ithaca where we walked all over for ten years. That's not healthy. I should be able to go there and remember how good it was.
Regarding China, I need to know if she's dead or alive. Missing is too hard.
I wanted to leave the house in Ithaca but, just now, knowing that the daylilies are blossoming, I feel bad thinking about my garden. I don't miss the house. Only I miss being there because the dogs were alive then and that seems so good, even though there were other things I was unhappy about. It seems as if it's a good idea to realize what's good when you have it because you won't have it forever. The other things dragged me down. Mostly last summer it was about how hard it seemed to sell the house. It didn't take that long after all, only May to September, but it seemed like forever when it wasn't going well and I didn't know how it was going to end. It was a tough summer and then Batty died and it just seemed like too much. That is so foolish though. It is what it is, and you just have to go from there, and enjoy everything else. If it seems as if it's too much, then you have to get an attitude adjustment somehow.
I don't think I'm going to have a problem once China is found. I got what I wanted after all, to come out here. There are some wrinkles but there are always wrinkles, and I don't think they are big ones.
I don't think I'm going to have a problem with my parents dying. They are, after all, very far away. Well, there will be crying, of course, but that is normal and appropriate. I wanted so badly to go home ever since I left, but I never took the initiative to make it happen. I just let things happen and complained about them. And why didn't I take two minutes to even consider not going to college and not moving away? And why was I never mature enough to consider decisions involving men? Pretty danged embarrassing. And stupid. What a waste of a brain, just not using it.
Finally, I have realized there is no home to go to. I have four really nice brothers. We can talk any time and it is so pleasant and easy but we rarely do talk. Surprise, they have their own lives! I'm the one who left. I left there with no thought whatsoever and just walked away from that family. Maybe if they were sisters, we'd keep up better but they don't really seem to want to, so that's fine. Maybe that's just a girl thing. My ma has been drifting away for a long time. I didn't think about her at all when I left home. I am sad about that. Now she has left me. In these years I have had the chance to know my father better and I really like him but he's going on 91 so, you know.
Robby is a special problem but I think I have already gone through it over the ten plus years of his sickness and I won't have to do all that again when he dies. It seems so selfish to even think about his illness as a problem for me. I feel so bad that I am healthy and he is not but, see, I am always doing this, holding on to guilt. It is ridiculous to feel bad about being healthy. I also have so much anger about his being sick and it is primarily directed at his wife. Oh, yes, because anger is constructive. The only thing I could do for him is to be nice to his wife but I won't do it/can't do it because I do truly feel that she does him harm. I can believe that she isn't trying to and that she does the best she can in a very bad situation but I cannot be friendly with her and hear about her career and yadda yadda yadda and realize that she could live her life differently and make his easier. I suppose she cannot do that but I can't pretend that it is all OK with me and I certainly can't say it isn't. I have already gone down that road and it wasn't pretty. Oooh, I don't like her. But finally finally I realize that I cannot help so my best thing is to not interfere. I know that the guilt feeling is a waste of emotion but I tell you what, he is the better twin by far.
I guess I'm not crazy about myself. Perhaps I had better work on liking me better. I haven't distinguished myself so far but I do want to do this grandma thing up right. I need to be a cheerful happy grandma. There's no reason not to be. I do not pay the bills and, lord knows, I don't go hungry, so what's not to be happy about. I want to say, I will be happy when China is found, but I realize that's at least part of my problem. I have to be happy right now, regardless. With China, it is what it is and we can only do what we can do.
I thought I was liking myself better in recent years and that is probably true as I was really adrift for a long time. I feel bad about leaving Ed and leaving Ithaca but he did make it easier by not liking me much. Now he seems much easier to be with since he found out about the Crohn's and the B12 deficiency. It is quite amazing, and quite awful to realize how long he went undiagnosed and with the issues unaddressed. Probably we will do fine now and things will work out.
That's about it. A blog for this seems excessive but perhaps there will be more to write about. I can quit imposing on friends and family and just put it here in cyberspace, whatever that is. I can ask myself the penetrating questions of Dr. Melfi and look at myself with a blank face, insisting on honest answers. Yikes.
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