11/29/2011 - my mother

It's a week short of two years since Mum died, or finally disappeared altogether. She did not begin the process of her deterioration gracefully. She was depressed anyway, and she was afraid as she realized that she was, as she said, 'losing it'. I am sorry that I did not hold her hand, or ask the boys to, or that it is impossible to alleviate the fear. I don't know that Dad could have helped her. He undoubtedly had his own concerns although he bore his differently. Her fears were able to bedevil her all day long. It's no wonder that all she wanted to do was sleep. Later she no longer had a choice to be graceful. Of course, she never behaved impolitely as she had had ninety years of having been polite and of trying to appear appropriate, but she couldn't speak for herself or advocate for herself or choose to be involved. Limited hearing and vision work to limit choices and decreased brain function make choices impossible. It is sad that a person can't be allowed to join her Mama and Papa when that becomes all that she wants.