8/13/08

I guess there are three things about this situation.

One is the circumstance of China's disappearance and the not knowing. I can't do anything about those things so I should be able to let go of guilt and anguish and worry, and acknowledge that it is what it is for her and it is what it is for me.

Another is that she is missing and we still have to work to find her. That is something I can do but there is still so much frustration and sadness in only being able to do so much, and not having any success at all over nearly six weeks.

The third is that I miss her. I haven't been without a dog and/or cat for the largest portion of my life. It feels normal to have a furry dependent. Life is easier and definitely cleaner without but so strange. That was part of why I felt like a guest in Ithaca last winter. Big and Little were there but not allowed in the house, and Batty and China were not there. It is strange having no dog or cat that is my buddy, and, also, I specifically miss China.

To have her just gone, not dead, is unprecedented for me. The deaths are hard and the end time spent hugging the critters doesn't seem like much comfort, but just gone without any goodbye is so strange.

It is seeming more normal that she is gone. It is hard in the morning and at bedtime. It is hard to have keep looking for her fruitlessly. But it is more normal now.

It's hard to go to the shelter in Vancouver and see all the stray dogs and the dogs available for adoption. It seems as if the shelters here do a good job at finding homes for all the animals who don't have extreme problems so I imagine that there are many happy endings. But, in the mean time, it's hard to look at each one and just walk on while seeing that each one wants to go home with someone.