China escaped from the yard a month ago. I do not know how to feel about that. It is very hard to believe that it is true, that she exists somewhere. I was without her in December and January so it doesn't seem so strange that she is not with me, but that she is someplace unknown is just incomprehensible. When I think about that, I cry. When I think about her initial panic and whatever her situation might be now, I cry. When I think about the reason that I left, to go to some spoiled child's "wedding", that makes me very angry with myself. Imagine leaving her over the 4th of July, even when I was so worried that something would go wrong. It is pointless to blame myself and it is pointless to cry. It is also difficult to think of useful things to do. We check the shelters and put up flyers and pass out flyers and advertise on the internet and in the newspaper, and yet nobody sees her. How can she be invisible? I actually believe that she can be invisible if the right people don't happen to see her but every day is one more in which she might be hit by a car. So, we have to keep looking. But driving around and riding around seem pointless. Every time I go out, I expect to see her. And all the time I am sure I will never see her again. How can she just disappear? How can she not find her way back home? This area bounded by big roads is so small and so large. The frustration just kills me.
However, I am supposed to function as usual and feel as usual, except for the addition of actively looking for China. Everything is great, truly. It's summer and the little girls are great and I get to be with them every day. What could be better? Only I feel guilty for not looking for China every minute. I feel guilty not crying all the time.
She's a dog, though. And Batty was a dog. How weird is it to be so crazy about dogs? I think it's completely crazy. You give a dog a good home and a good life and, at some point, it ends and it is very sad and that's that. How can you be still crying a year later over the dog? Batty died one year ago and I only think about his last week and I just feel awful about it. Why can't I think of the ten years before that? I'm getting better with time, as if that wound is healing, but I just don't think about him at all, rather than thinking about what a great dog he was. I don't want to go back to Ithaca where we walked all over for ten years. That's not healthy. I should be able to go there and remember how good it was.
Regarding China, I need to know if she's dead or alive. Missing is too hard.
I wanted to leave the house in Ithaca but, just now, knowing that the daylilies are blossoming, I feel bad thinking about my garden. I don't miss the house. Only I miss being there because the dogs were alive then and that seems so good, even though there were other things I was unhappy about. It seems as if it's a good idea to realize what's good when you have it because you won't have it forever. The other things dragged me down. Mostly last summer it was about how hard it seemed to sell the house. It didn't take that long after all, only May to September, but it seemed like forever when it wasn't going well and I didn't know how it was going to end. It was a tough summer and then Batty died and it just seemed like too much. That is so foolish though. It is what it is, and you just have to go from there, and enjoy everything else. If it seems as if it's too much, then you have to get an attitude adjustment somehow.
I don't think I'm going to have a problem once China is found. I got what I wanted after all, to come out here. There are some wrinkles but there are always wrinkles, and I don't think they are big ones.
I don't think I'm going to have a problem with my parents dying. They are, after all, very far away. Well, there will be crying, of course, but that is normal and appropriate. I wanted so badly to go home ever since I left, but I never took the initiative to make it happen. I just let things happen and complained about them. And why didn't I take two minutes to even consider not going to college and not moving away? And why was I never mature enough to consider decisions involving men? Pretty danged embarrassing. And stupid. What a waste of a brain, just not using it.
Finally, I have realized there is no home to go to. I have four really nice brothers. We can talk any time and it is so pleasant and easy but we rarely do talk. Surprise, they have their own lives! I'm the one who left. I left there with no thought whatsoever and just walked away from that family. Maybe if they were sisters, we'd keep up better but they don't really seem to want to, so that's fine. Maybe that's just a girl thing. My ma has been drifting away for a long time. I didn't think about her at all when I left home. I am sad about that. Now she has left me. In these years I have had the chance to know my father better and I really like him but he's going on 91 so, you know.
Robby is a special problem but I think I have already gone through it over the ten plus years of his sickness and I won't have to do all that again when he dies. It seems so selfish to even think about his illness as a problem for me. I feel so bad that I am healthy and he is not but, see, I am always doing this, holding on to guilt. It is ridiculous to feel bad about being healthy. I also have so much anger about his being sick and it is primarily directed at his wife. Oh, yes, because anger is constructive. The only thing I could do for him is to be nice to his wife but I won't do it/can't do it because I do truly feel that she does him harm. I can believe that she isn't trying to and that she does the best she can in a very bad situation but I cannot be friendly with her and hear about her career and yadda yadda yadda and realize that she could live her life differently and make his easier. I suppose she cannot do that but I can't pretend that it is all OK with me and I certainly can't say it isn't. I have already gone down that road and it wasn't pretty. Oooh, I don't like her. But finally finally I realize that I cannot help so my best thing is to not interfere. I know that the guilt feeling is a waste of emotion but I tell you what, he is the better twin by far.
I guess I'm not crazy about myself. Perhaps I had better work on liking me better. I haven't distinguished myself so far but I do want to do this grandma thing up right. I need to be a cheerful happy grandma. There's no reason not to be. I do not pay the bills and, lord knows, I don't go hungry, so what's not to be happy about. I want to say, I will be happy when China is found, but I realize that's at least part of my problem. I have to be happy right now, regardless. With China, it is what it is and we can only do what we can do.
I thought I was liking myself better in recent years and that is probably true as I was really adrift for a long time. I feel bad about leaving Ed and leaving Ithaca but he did make it easier by not liking me much. Now he seems much easier to be with since he found out about the Crohn's and the B12 deficiency. It is quite amazing, and quite awful to realize how long he went undiagnosed and with the issues unaddressed. Probably we will do fine now and things will work out.
That's about it. A blog for this seems excessive but perhaps there will be more to write about. I can quit imposing on friends and family and just put it here in cyberspace, whatever that is. I can ask myself the penetrating questions of Dr. Melfi and look at myself with a blank face, insisting on honest answers. Yikes.
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