Responsibility

I don't know how to not feel guilty about this. When you take on any living creature, you take on the responsibility to do the best you can to keep it safe. When you know that your dog is crazy for you, frightened of many things, and capable of an amazing amount of destruction, and yet you still leave her on the 4th of July, you are not doing the best you can do. It doesn't matter that she was left with family members who agreed to not leave her alone, and didn't leave her alone. I did that much because I was really concerned that there would be a problem. But I did not make sure that the yard was secure, even though I know that she broke out of two different dog crates in the last year or so. And I did not even consider her when I decided to leave, and when I finally remembered that the 4th of July means many fireworks, I did not change my plans. I did not do the best I could do for her.

Everybody says that it isn't my fault but it is completely my fault.

So, what is the deal on guilt, I wonder. I see that there is no point in just wallowing in it, but the facts are the facts. I suppose guilt can serve to keep one from doing the same dumb things over and over, but that's not a helpful thought in this case. I doubt that this particular situation will recur.

I can forgive myself for an irresponsible act that only hurts me, but how can I forgive myself for hurting China? If it all comes out all right, then I can, essentially, make it up to her. But, if it doesn't come out all right, then,\ I don't know. It will be wound that never heals. It will be one of many things I will have to answer for if there is ever a reckoning. Like the two squirrels that I have run over.

I wonder if I can offset the bad things by doing good things. I don't think that should work, though, because I should be doing the good things anyway.

'Taking responsibility' is one thing that is talked about by politicians, but they never talk about what comes next. When you have realized that you have messed up, what do you do next? If you can't apologize to your victim, what next? I think you are just stuck with guilt.

I suppose the squirrels wouldn't forgive me, but China would because dogs never get mad. But if I don't get to see her again, what am I going to do with the guilt.